100 Funny One Liner Jokes That Will Make Anyone Laugh!

I felt quite chilly at the football match...

The stadium was packed with fans!

The sea said hello this morning...

It gave me a big wave!

I found Will Smith walking in the snow...

I just followed the Fresh Prints!

I drank 8 glasses of lemonade...

I burped 7-up!

I heard a funny story about a small mountain...

It was hill-arious!

I saw a pirate's cat...

I went 'Arrrr!'

I've been banned from telling jokes to windows...

They always crack up!

Barbers always get to places quickly...

They know all the short cuts!

My bee's hair is always sticky...

It uses a honey comb!

I stay warm in any room by standing in the corner...

It's always 90 degrees!

I never like shopping for eggs...

I always get a raw deal!

Strawberries are such great musicians...

They love to jam!

My alarm clock broke and I was late for school...

I was really ticked off!

I took my cat for some Mexican food...

They had a purrito!

I stopped a bull from charging...

I unplugged its mobile phone!

My cat made a cake...

They baked it from scratch!

I saw a chimp at the North Pole...

It was lost!

I've got loads of jokes about flowers...

Not really, I was just pollen your leg!

My robot is never afraid...

They've got nerves of steel!

I painted my toilet red...

Now it looks flushed!

My computer was freezing cold...

Turns out I'd left some windows open!

I put two bananas on my feet...

They were slippers!

A lobster never shares their snacks...

They're so shellfish!

I made a tissue dance...

I put a little boogie in it!

A tornado asked me what game was fun to play...

I suggested Twister!

I couldn't get to school because of a big squashed strawberry...

I was in a jam!

I've grown a tree that fits in your hand...

It's a palm tree!

My pet duck got straight As at school...

They're such a wise quacker!

Did you know what the limestone said to the geologist?

Don’t take me for granite!

My pet ant is a superhero who fights crime...

He's a vigilante!

I only catch cold on weekdays...

I have a weekend immune system!

Do yo know when a joke becomes a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!

I don't like traveling to my computer job...

It's a hard drive!

A clown came out of the toilet...

They said, "Don't go in there, it smells funny!"

I bought a car with logs for wheels...

It wooden go!

I wrote a book about glue...

People can't put it down!

Someone asked me if it was safe to dive into the pool....

I said it deep ends!

I bought a pencil with two erasers...

It was a pointless purchase!

My mum asked me to put the bins out...

I didn’t know they were on fire!

I’m afraid of lifts...

I take steps to avoid them!

I have a job cleaning up leaves...

You could say I'm raking it in!

I'm a scientist who won't work with atoms...

They make up everything!

I'm an archaeologist with no job...

You could say my career was in ruins!

I'm a very organised lumberjack...

I keep a log!

I heard two cows were planning a date...

They went to the moo-vies!

I don’t like shopping centres.

Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall!

I took my pet leaf to the doctor last Autumn...

It had a fall!

The hamburgers next door had a baby...

They called her Patty!

I used to be afraid of art...

But I eventually I brushed it off!

I was given a used phone...

There was no charge!

I heard that a owl quit their job...

It didn't give a hoot!

Do you want to know how to fix a broken tomato?

With tomato paste!

My belt was arrested...

For holding up my pants!

It was an emotional wedding...

Even the cake was in tiers!

Are all maths jokes bad?

No, just sum!

I paid a large group of deer to do some work...

I gave them 100 bucks!

Some seasons are cold...

And summer hot!

Had some green coloured ice cream...

It was mint!

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay...

You have my word!

I always give 100%...

Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker!

Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.

It just wasn’t 2B!

My calculator stopped working mid way through my exam.

I can’t count on it any more!

My pirate friend just got his exam results...

All high Cs!

I had plans to read a book about sinkholes...

But they fell through!

I just finished a book about Mount Everest...

It was a cliff hanger!

A book fell on my head...

I only have myshelf to blame!

When people ask if I'm an optimist...

I tell them, I hope so!

Two monkeys running a bath. One said, Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah!

The other said, well put some cold in it then!

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows...

It's a rocky road!

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together...

Riveting!

Conjunctivitis.com...

There's a site for sore eyes!

I needed a password eight characters long...

I picked Snow White and the seven dwarves!

I love Snapchat...

I could talk about card games all day!

I told my doctor that I've hurt my arm in several places...

He told me not to go to those areas!

I’m learning the hokey cokey...

Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs!

I rang up my phone company and said, I want to report a nuisance caller...

He said, not you again!

I'd tell you a chemistry joke...

But I know I wouldn't get a reaction!

I used to think I was indecisive...

But now I'm not sure!

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing!

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

but thankfully I turned myself around!

I tried to escape from the apple store...

but there were no windows!

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it's going to be me!

I was hit in the head with a can of soda...

Luckily it was a soft drink!

I replaced my friend's bed with a trampoline...

They hit the roof!

People used to laugh at me when I would say I want to be a comedian...

Well nobody's laughing now!

R.I.P boiled water...

You will be mist!

My friend asked me what the best thing about living in Switzerland was...

I said the flag is a big plus!

Samsung needed security to stand outside their store so they called...

Guardians of the galaxy!

Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am...

As an electrician!

I hate people who use big words...

They're just trying to make themselves look perspicacious!

Don't spell part backwards...

It's a trap!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind!

Doctor, doctor! There's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well tell them I can't see him right now!

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both left-ies

One the one hand, it's great. On the other, it's not!

Someone asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool.

So I gave them a glass of water!

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off!

Just burned 2,000 calories...

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap!

Doctor, doctor! My sim has caught fire!

That'sSIMpossible!

Doctor, Doctor, I stood on a LEGO!

Try to BLOCK out the pain!

Doctor, doctor! Can you give me something for my wind?

Yes, have a kite!