Beano Superstars – Calamity James

I was listening to the radio the other day, and a man sang, “If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all”. I didn’t hear the whole song because the radio mysteriously fell off the table and smashed into loads of pieces. But that’s just typical – I’ve been described as the world’s unluckiest boy.

I have so much bad luck people started making memes about me. They’re supposed to be jokes, but they’re things that actually happened!

I wear a red jumper with a big white 13 on the front. I’m pretty sure acts as a bad luck magnet – it really does follow me everywhere I go – but my mum got it for me and says I look very handsome in it. 

We live at 13 Lucky Lane, but it’s anything but lucky. I have a pet lemming called Alexander. His full name is Alexander Falstaff Lemming III and he’s named after a Scottish doctor who invented medicine. I’m sure my pet tries to talk to me, but obviously I don’t speak Lemming. It’s always just before something happens and it’s as though he’s trying to warn me – but I guess I’ll never know. I need a Lemming translation app or something. Maybe that would help. 

I’ve collected stuff which is supposed to bring me some good luck. I’ve got a lucky rabbit’s foot, a four-leaf clover, and I’ve been got a photograph of a black cat crossing the road with its paws crossed, but it’s all useless!

Even though a typical morning might see me stand in a pool of water with clean socks, trip over my shoes or even spill my bowl of cereal everywhere, I keep my head up and get on with things. I never give up or stop trying. 

My luck’s about to change. I’m always saying it and I can feel it in the air. But knowing my luck, it’s probably thunderstorm approaching Beanotown. It’s a shame my umbrella broke when I was leaving the house. I’m sure the weather will be fine…

Calamity James Fact File

Name: Calamity James

Age: He’s 9 years-old, going on 13…

Birthday: 1st November

Best friend: Alexander Lemming, who is, er, a lemming

Worst enemy: His bad luck, which follows him everywhere. There really is no escape for James!

Prized possessions: Lucky rabbit’s foot, 4 leaf clover, photograph of a black cat crossing the road with its paws crossed. None of them are any use at all

Motto: My luck is changing!

Super skill: James never gives up, even when that would be the smartest thing to do

Family: James lives with his mum

Address: 13 Lucky Lane, Beanotown

Fact: Calamity James is the Squelchy Things’ favourite Beanotowner, because funny things are always happening to him!