I’m a lemming called Alexander Falstaff Lemming III, or Alexander for short. Or Al, which is shorter. Or Ah, if you’re really pushed for time. No-one has ever been in that much of a hurry to say a human name out loud to a lemming, but I’m just offering some options.  

I live at 13 Lucky Lane with the world’s unluckiest boy – Calamity James. 

James can’t understand me, because I’m a lemming, but you’re currently reading my page using a special Beanotown Animal Translation app, which is really handy. Professor Von Screwtop came up with the idea when some pigeons wouldn’t leave him alone. It turned out they’re big science fans and just wanted a chat about quantum theory. Pigeons are quite smart, even though they peck at cardboard sometimes. It’s not even food!

So I’ve mentioned how unlucky James is. If things can go wrong, you can guarantee he’ll be at the centre of it all. He’s a bad luck magnet, but to give him credit, he never gives up. He just gets on with things. 

Sometimes, he might get a bump or a graze, but I’m always there with a really old bottle of Boris Borthwick’s Biological Botty Balm. There’s only a little bit left, because most of it has been rubbed into his knees and elbows. It’s really hard to get, so I hope his luck changes soon. 

While I always look out for James and try to warn him – which is pointless – some of the stuff that happens to him is quite funny. I’m sure if he changed his jumper into something that didn’t have a big 13 on the front, life would be much easier for him. Maybe I’ll get round to telling him using Professor Von Screwtop’s app…

Alexander Lemming Fact File

Name: Alexander Lemming III

Age: Very old (for a lemming, anyway)

Best friend: Calamity James

Worst enemy: Calamity James’s bad luck

Prized possession: A vintage bottle of 1912 Boris Borthwick’s Biological Botty Balm, which he has almost used up on James.

Motto: “If it happens to me, it’s a tragedy. If it happens to him, it’s hilarious!”

Super skill: Plummeting from great and not-so-great heights. Any height, really – it’s the plummet that is important

Family: Sadly, they have all successfully plummeted now

Address: 13 Lucky Lane

Fact: Calamity James’s patronus is a lemming, and Alex’s is a First Aid Kit!