20 Questions with Walter Brown

1. What 3 words would you use to describe yourself?

Superior in every way.

That’s 4 words, Walter

Superior people get 4 words. It’s an unwritten rule that only superior people know about.

2. What do you keep in your pockets?

My dad – he’s the Mayor, you know – says keeping things in your pockets ruins the creases on your trousers. Luckily, I have Bertie to carry my things for me.

3. What’s the first thing you can remember?

I remember Gnasher licking me once when I was a baby. Dennis said he was only trying to be nice, but I know he was going to eat me!

4. What would you like to be?

Aha! A proper question at last. I am going to be Prime Minister.

But didn’t Minnie the Minx beat you in the election to be Bash Street School Class President?

That wasn’t a fair result and my lawyers are still reviewing my legal options.

5. What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

My father, the Mayor, says nothing embarrassing ever happens to superior people.

So that time the goat ate your shorts at the petting zoo wasn’t embarrassing?

Next question, please – I don’t have all day, you know.

6. Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Neither – things will always work out well for people like me.

7. What is your biggest fear?

I’d really hate for Gnasher to lick me again…

8. Who would you trust with your biggest secret?

No-one! Secrets are meant to be buried deep inside and never shared.

Not even your best friend, Bertie?

That oaf isn’t my best friend! And I wouldn’t trust him with a shopping list, never mind a secret!

9. What’s your most treasured possession?

My briefcase. The Mayor – who is also my Dad – presented it to me on my fifth birthday.

10. Do you have a pet?

If by ‘pet’ you mean best-in-show pedigree animals, then I have 2: Clawdia the pure white snootcat, and Foo-foo the fancy poodle. Foo-foo’s fur is so expensively styled that we can’t let him go outdoors. 

11. What’s your favourite food?

I enjoy anything our chef chooses to serve. Chef is from Venezuela and his name is Ramon.

12. What makes you laugh?

I like it when people try to do stunts on their bikes or skateboards and they fall off. I mean, what do they expect to happen? Ha!

13. If you had to be stuck in a lift for 3 hours with one person, who would you like it to be?

Bertie, because I could make him climb onto the roof of the lift and go for help.

14. If you had insomnia and couldn’t ever sleep – how would you fill the time?

I’d make a list of all the things I want to do when I’m Prime MinisterChildren to wear school uniform ALL THE TIME! Sweets to be BANNED! All slides and fun things to be REMOVED FROM SWIMMING POOLS IMMEDIATELY!

15. What is your greatest strength?

I’m superior, all my strengths are equally great.

16. And your greatest weakness?

Sometimes I can be too humble. Does that even count as a weakness?

17. Name 3 things you’re really good at…

I’m good at everything.

18. And 3 things you’re really bad at?

I’m bad at losing, not winning, and being bad at things.

19. What would you like to be remembered for?

For being the most humble, wise and superior Prime Minister of all time, and the one with the coolest briefcase. Which I will be.

20. Finally – toast or cereal?

Ramon says those foods are for birds. We have kippers.

Well, that explains the smell! Thanks, Walter!

What? I don’t smell! How dare you!